Resignation

I look at my life and want there to be some order. At the same time I abhor order and it ability to turn mundane. Out side the box is no where to live bit inside the box is no way to live. Cliche, trite, call this what you will but it can cause a person fits to be so conflicted by the two things he confides in. I will say, talking about my life forces me to examine it, and comprehend it in a way that it is easy for the cursory glance to ignore. I try to find a unifying theme in my life but fail because I make a conscious effort to reject being stereotyped. I realize this sounds like a person who can’t make up their mind about the direction they want to live their life, exactly because that is what it is. I want to be happy, but on both sides of the aisle I see too many examples of unhappiness or worse resignation. Interesting word that is because it could be used to define our country and not be far from the truth. More later.

Evolution

I have long been fascinated by evolution, both the core concept and as it applies to species and societies. It is not impossible, I believe, for a person to grow or evolve in the same way technology does, slowly at first then exponentially to a plateau where they need assistance or else they need support to prevent a fall. This may not make much sense initially, but I believe I am making a valid point that will eventually congeal into a more refined and salient discussion.

I don’t want to go visit my friends in another city because I don’t think they would make the same effort to go see me exclusively, only as a tertiary bonus of seeing an old friend. As much as I pride myself on striving to foster change through my actions, there will always be people on whom those actions have little to no effect; so much so that I it is not worth the time and effort. Is this hypocrisy or merely good logic?

A friend told me today they think I’m a gentle giant. This is probably true. Even in high school they called me Teddy Bear. I think this is probably true and probably the greatest example of my personal quest for self improvement. I have always been a big guy, I played offensive and defensive line in football and was the biggest player in most games for my lacrosse team. Before high school I used to be a bully, and a mean one at that, maybe it was vindictive or a way of fitting in, but I realized pretty quickly into high school that I was not happy being dislike by people and I had to force myself to change. I took my friend’s comment as a compliment and a good indicator of the success that I can have in changing myself.